I am amazed at the dichotomy of being completely surrounded by people, friends, and family and the nagging feeling of loneliness. I find myself reflecting on the depth and relatively copious amount of relationship experiences I have had and how it is that I am where I am now. I have been told that it has been my choice to be here, that I could have made different decisions leading to a completely different life if that had been of greater importance to me. True? Yes. Helpful? Not right now.
Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. I am exceedingly happy with the experiences that my life has afforded me. Things on my life “checklist” have come and been completed. Goals have been met, stagnation has been avoided. I have seen most of the US and a number of cross-oceanic trips have expanded my horizons. I am in the middle of completing what has been a life goal for, well, as long as I can remember. I have had the opportunity to mold many students, spread my love of music, of the power of education, of the benefits of pushing oneself past predetermined limits..I have been blessed with great health, a family that I love and that loves me, friends who stand by me through silliness and bad decisions, and relative success in the things to which I have chosen to apply myself. How is it that I can still feel incomplete, unfinished? Will this feeling ever be satisfied? A good friend reminded me a few weeks ago of my seemingly unending quest to find satisfaction. “Will you ever find it?”, he asked, to which I answered unimpressively, “I don’t know..”
So, I sit here, studying for a final exam and taking a break to dump some of these thoughts into the void in an attempt to regain some sort of focus.
What is it? What am I waiting for? Why must I feel incomplete in and of myself? A sign of weakness, I’m sure, but annoying and exhausting, as well. What is it about me that drives me to be absolutely incapable of satisfaction in life? Perhaps it is that I simply don’t know what I really want. Perhaps it is that I am terrified of admitting what it is that I really want that keeps me from allowing myself to identify it..hmm..the search continues..